King of the Wild Frontier

29 06 2012

Today marks the 9th year since my dad died.  It’s always a weird day for me, the first few years were really hard, I couldn’t get past the overwhelming sadness of the day.  Gradually it’s become less sharply painful and more like a dull ache.  Today will most likely be fairly unremarkable.  I’ll go to the gym, go to work, go to a cardinals game, come home and fall asleep.  Remarkably similar to what I would have done 9 years ago if things had gone differently. I’ve struggled for the last few years to figure out how I should feel and observe these miles stones: his birthday, my parent’s anniversary, and the anniversary of his death.  Spending the day sad, or grieving is not how my dad would have wanted me experience life.  Those first years I was still raw and grieving and not acknowledging those milestones made me feel like I was losing him all over again.  One night, when I was living in AK after college and my mom and I had been spending lots of time going through his things, I was talking to one of my friends about how hard it was to let go of this stuff, even though I knew we’d never need or want it and other people would.  He said to me, letting go of things can be hard because we feel like we are letting our memories go with them, but no one will ever take those away from you; you’ll never forget your dad.  It seems obvious, but I can’t explain the profound effect those words have had on me over the years.

So today I will remember, but I will also live my life and celebrate all the ordinariness of it, because too often we forget that a plain old non eventful day is a blessing.  I will live, love, laugh, watch some baseball, and think about going fishing over the weekend.  I think he’d approve.

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